Friday, January 31, 2014

Royal Rumble 2013 review


After a video package recapping moments of the previous night’s Royal Rumble, Vicki lets us know that tonight’s episode of Raw Roulette will be determined by 3 wheels (the superstar wheel, the stipulations wheel and the Vicki Vegas challenge wheel).

A livid CM Punk storms the ring and starts an animated promo about the Phoenix screwjob. He is interrupted by Vince McMahon.

“You are flesh peddling hack, swindling promoter.” – Punk berating Vince

Vince then claims he will produce video footage showing that Paul Heyman is complicit in a conspiracy. He indicates that he will have a personal performance review with the former leader of the Dangerous Alliance later in the show.

The Miz is the special guest ref for the opening contest between Randy Orton and US Champion Antonio Cesaro. Randy Orton wins the match after some extra shoving by the Miz and Antonio.

Ryback spins the wheel and is part of the Make Me Laugh challenge with the Prime Time Players. Tennis legends Steffi Graff and Andre Agassi are in the front row. The PTP joke incorporates Darren Young’s stolen catchphrase and is booed by the audience. Ryback tells an unfunny joke and then beats up the tag team and delivers shell shock to Matt Stryker.

Another Bob Backlund video package is shown.

Wade Barrett chooses to fight Bo Dallas to gain revenge for being tossed from the Rumble by the second generation grappler, sadly the plans for vengeance backfire on the barrage and Bo Dallas gets a rollup victory on the current IC champ.

A graphic for the ages is shown as we get the tale of the tape between John Cena and Fred Flintstone since Cena has usurped the cartoon caveman from the box cover of Fruity Pebbles.

John Cena takes on Cody Rhodes and his caterpillar.

“This is a waste of Cody Rhodes, I’m leaving.” – Cody Rhodes

Before the second generation grappler can vacate the premises he is snatched up by Cena and loses the match.  John Cena indicates that he will face either Punk or Rock at Mania. The Shield attack Cena and then Sheamus and Ryback attempt to help all three are left beaten by the rogue group of intruders.

Tensai comes out to the ring in lingerie for a dance contest with Brodus Clay. I think Tensai should have won. Oh and Ron Simmons said “damn”.

Up next the torture porn segment , Big Show duct tapes Alberto Del Rio to the ring ropes and then beats the tar out of Ricardo Rodriguez and eventually knocks out the World Heavyweight Champion.

A lumberjills match between Taminia and Kaitlyn devolves into a Vegas showgirl melee and no actual winner.  The production team runs tweets and the announcers end up belittling the segment.

The Rock cuts a promo thanking the fans and then CM Punk comes out and challenges the Rock.  He tries to challenge the Rock at house shows or Raw and then says he will face him in 3 weeks at the Elimination Chamber.

“It’s not my rematch, it’s yours” – Punk

A solid promo by both guys and although I am pretty certain that Rock will win I want to see the match because it is obvious it will be a good battle.

Sheamus beats Damien Sandow in a tables match.

The Great Kahli attempts to sing “sexy boy” and is interrupted by 3MB. Kahli, Ryder and Hornswoggle send the air band to the back after a beatdown.

Y2J is back and subsequently confronted by Ziggler and his motley crew.

Y2J and Dolph are forced to team up against Team Hell No and lose the match.

Trish Stratus joins Mick Foley and Bob Backlund in this year’s WWE Hall of Fame class.

Vince and Paul shake hands. Vince puts lotion on his hand after the handshake. The former promoter of ECW cuts an amazing promo about lying – getting a cheer from the crowd.

Vince shows footage proving collusion between the Shield and Brad Maddox and Paul Heyman. This is a solid moment, showing what it would be like backstage if the villains conspired backstage.

Paul states that he is not the person in the video. Vince is about to fire Paul ….

Brock Lesnar returns and f5’s the chairman.

A great ending to a decent show. A goo d mix of comedy, returns, decent promos and some low level comedy.

I don’t mind that the Rock will not be on every show, nor am I offended that Brock and Y2J are part-timers. This is entertainment and it is okay to pick your spots. Hell I think that wrestling, especially WWE is around too much. The NFL maintains is place as the top spectator sport because it is only around for 16 games and a short playoff run. WWE is on TV 3 hours on Monday , an hour on Wednesday , 2 hours on Friday and a half hour every Saturday. Throw in YouTube content and WWE Classics on Demand and it is overload. Guys like Cena and Dolph that are there every day lose their luster because   they are always there. The commodity of guys like Brock and Y2J and Rock are maintained because they manage their time in and out of the ring. The road to Wrestlemania should be different than the rest of the year and so far it is.

By Jobber Joe (follow and interact on Twitter @jobberjoe99)

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